where have i been?

good question, i don't have an answer. by the way merry christmas, happy hanukkah and happy new year! still in therapy and from what she says i will be for years. the original reason i went there, (anger) is actually getting better but now we have to deal with the problem causing it. let me rephrase that i am learning to deal with the anger it's not so displaced anymore and i am finley realising where it comes from and i'm able to put it back on the person that gave it to me. a little anyway thats why i'm there! still have feelings for her there is a name for it that i cant think of right now but it has to do with her helping me and listining to me and being nice. but anyway thats it for now

on my mind

the weekend is over i go to therapy today and i cant wait to see her i wissh i could hold her

thinking

two days since my last post. i go to see her today and i cant wait. she is on my mind alot too much maybe. i just want to see her talk to her be with her. every time she hands me a card with my next appt. or i hand her the money i make sure i touch her hand. it feels so good i wish she would hold it during our session, of maybe just a hug.

lust or love i cant tell

still in therapy it is definetly helping, going two times a week this is something she feels is nessasary. but i dont have a problem with that. she is very attractive, and from the first time i saw her i was in lust, she is 8 yrs older than me but doesnt look it nice legs, thats my favorite part, and yesterday she had a short shirt on nothing slutty very profesional looking but drove me nuts just the same. now here lies a bit of a problem i think i am falling in love with her all i can do is think about her and i cant wait for my next appt. so i can see her again. i dont know what to do should i tell her, maybe this is normal for a pacent to feel this way when someone is helping them then again she might think that she should stop seeing me then what would i do. i have thought that maybe it was the skirt and it was just tipical male reaction to seeing her but she did where a similar skirt a few weeks ago and it didn"t have the same affect. i cant wait to see her again, i love her!

STILL HERE

WELL I HAVE BEEN TO A FEW SESSIONS NOW WITH MY THERIPEST I CONFESSED MY (IN ADVERDENT) LIE TO HER IT WASENT EASY ITS SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN KEEPING A SECRET SINCE I WAS ABOUT 8 YRS OLD. ( I'M 41 NOW INCASE I HAVE NOT PUT THAT DOWN YET) I THINK MY LEVEL OF DEPRESSION HAS LEVELED OFF NOT ON DRUGS YET HOPEFULLY WONT HAVE TO IF I DONT SINK ANY DEEPER I MIGHT BE O.K.
ITS KIND OF FUNNY, IN A SAD SORT OF WAY, I THOUGHT I WAS PRITTY NORMAL THEN MY THERIPEST STARTS OFFERING ME TWO APPTS A WEEK KIND OF MAKES ME THINK? I ONLY HAD TO SEE HER TWICE, ONCE BUT SHE HAS TOLD ME TO CALL HER ANYTIME I NEED TO. I AM HOPEING I WILL NOT.
WORK STILL SUCKS I KNOW THAT WILL NOT CHANGE SO I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. ITS HARD THOUGH LONG COMMUTE SO I HAVE TO GET UP EARLY TO BEAT THE TRAFFIC SO I HAVE TO GO TO BED EARLY WICH I DONT LIKE TO DO ITS A VISIOUS CYCLE.

DEEP DEPRESION

THERAPY WAS O.K. THE THERAPEST SEEMS VERY COMPITENT, HARD TO TELL AFTER ONE VISIT PART OF WICH IS SPENT FILLING OUT PAPERWORK,. SHE ACTUALLY ASKED A QUESTION THAT HAS NEVER BEEN ASKED BEFORE, I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING ANOTHER QUESTION AND DIDNT ANSWER THE QUESTION TRUTHFULLY. THIS BOTHERED ME AT THE TIME A LITTLE BECAUSE ITS STUPID TO LIE TO SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO HELP YOU. BUT IT IS ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS THAT TAKES ALOT TO ANSWER. I DID CONFIDE IN MY WIFE THIS SITUATION AND TOLD MY WIFE THIS "THING". I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS AND IT WAS HARD TELLING MY WIFE. THANK GOD SHE IS VERY SUPPORTIVE AND IS NOT MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FREEK OR ANYTHING. I WILL TELL MY THERAPEST TOMORROW AT MY NEXT APPT. BUT NOW THE PROBLEM IS THAT I HAVE BEEN SENT INTO A DEEP DEPRESION AND I'M CONCERENED THAT MEDS WILL BE THE ONLY WAY TO GET OUT OF IT. I NEVER PLANNED ON TELLING ANYONE THIS "THING" AND NOW I WISH I NEVER DID. WORK SUCKS TOO AND THAT DOES'NT HELP THE LEVEL OF INCOMPANCY HERE IS UNBELEVABLE. FOR EXAMPLE I HAD TO FIX A RADIO FOR THE # 2 MAN HERE, HIS SECRATERY CALLED ALL UPSET AND PISSED OFF THAT I DID NOT REPLY TO HER CALL YESTERDAY (I WAS OUT SICK STRESS YOU KNOW) BUT THIS RADIO HAD TO BE UP AND RUNNING TODAY BECAUSE THERE MAY BE A MEETING IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND GOD FORBID IT NOT WORK! SO I GO UP TO LOOD AT THE UNIT AND AFTER ABOUT 2 SECONDS I SEE THE PROBLEM, YOU GUESSED IT NOT PLUGGED IN. NOW THIS MAN MAKES IN EXCESS OF $200,000 A YEAR AND I'M KNOW THE SECRATARY MAKES MORE MONEY THAN ME BUT NONE OF THEN CAN PLUG SOMETHING IN. THE PPLUG WAS JUST LAYING THERE IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS HIDDEN IN A CORNER. I COULD HAVE SENT MY 9 YEAR OLD TO FIX IT. WELL THATS ENOUGH FOR NOW I ALMOST FEEL A LITTLE BETTER NOW.

DD 2

NOW THIS MAN MAKES IN EXCESS OF $200,000 A YEAR AND I'M KNOW THE SECRATARY MAKES MORE MONEY THAN ME BUT NONE OF THEN CAN PLUG SOMETHING IN. THE PPLUG WAS JUST LAYING THERE IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS HIDDEN IN A CORNER. I COULD HAVE SENT MY 9 YEAR OLD TO FIX IT. WELL THATS ENOUGH FOR NOW I ALMOST FEEL A LITTLE BETTER NOW.

I THINK I EXCEDED SOME LIMIT

THERAPY WAS O.K. THE THERAPEST SEEMS VERY COMPITENT, HARD TO TELL AFTER ONE VISIT PART OF WICH IS SPENT FILLING OUT PAPERWORK,. SHE ACTUALLY ASKED A QUESTION THAT HAS NEVER BEEN ASKED BEFORE, I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING ANOTHER QUESTION AND DIDNT ANSWER THE QUESTION TRUTHFULLY. THIS BOTHERED ME AT THE TIME A LITTLE BECAUSE ITS STUPID TO LIE TO SOMEONE WHO IS TRYING TO HELP YOU. BUT IT IS ONE OF THOSE QUESTIONS THAT TAKES ALOT TO ANSWER. I DID CONFIDE IN MY WIFE THIS SITUATION AND TOLD MY WIFE THIS "THING". I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THIS AND IT WAS HARD TELLING MY WIFE. THANK GOD SHE IS VERY SUPPORTIVE AND IS NOT MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A FREEK OR ANYTHING. I WILL TELL MY THERAPEST TOMORROW AT MY NEXT APPT. BUT NOW THE PROBLEM IS THAT I HAVE BEEN SENT INTO A DEEP DEPRESION AND I'M CONCERENED THAT MEDS WILL BE THE ONLY WAY TO GET OUT OF IT. I NEVER PLANNED ON TELLING ANYONE THIS "THING" AND NOW I WISH I NEVER DID. WORK SUCKS TOO AND THAT DOES'NT HELP THE LEVEL OF INCOMPANCY HERE IS UNBELEVABLE. FOR EXAMPLE I HAD TO FIX A RADIO FOR THE # 2 MAN HERE, HIS SECRATERY CALLED ALL UPSET AND PISSED OFF THAT I DID NOT REPLY TO HER CALL YESTERDAY (I WAS OUT SICK STRESS YOU KNOW) BUT THIS RADIO HAD TO BE UP AND RUNNING TODAY BECAUSE THERE MAY BE A MEETING IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM AND GOD FORBID IT NOT WORK! SO I GO UP TO LOOD AT THE UNIT AND AFTER ABOUT 2 SECONDS I SEE THE PROBLEM, YOU GUESSED IT NOT PLUGGED IN. NOW THIS MAN MAKES IN EXCESS OF $200,000 A YEAR AND I'M KNOW THE SECRATARY MAKES MORE MONEY THAN ME BUT NONE OF THEN CAN PLUG SOMETHING IN. THE PPLUG WAS JUST LAYING THERE IT'S NOT LIKE IT WAS HIDDEN IN A CORNER. I COULD HAVE SENT MY 9 YEAR OLD TO FIX IT. WELL THATS ENOUGH FOR NOW I ALMOST FEEL A LITTLE BETTER NOW.

THERAPY

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT THIS WEEK TO TALK ABOUT THINGS. I AM HOPEING I WILL NOT HAVE TO GO BACK ON MEDS BUT THE THOUGHTS ARE COMMING BACK INTO MY HEAD, NOT SUICIDAL OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, BUT UNCOMFORTABLE THOUGHTS I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CONTROL THEM SO FAR THAT IS WHY I FIGURED IT WAS TIME TO TALK TO A PROFESIONAL. THE ANGER IS STILL THERE AND I HAVE HAD TO TAKE MY HAPPY PILL A COUPLE OF TIMES YA GOOD TIME TO GO BACK TO THE DR.